The Goose and the Duck.

A wise goose was once wandering around the lake
As it saw two little ducks wading to and fro
The goose sought a conversation to give or take
And the ducks seemed like a good time to show

What wisdom the pure white goose could exhale from his beak
The ducks stared in awe hearing the sayings and prose
The goose towered them both, making the trees feel meek
"Thus all science continues to point, the earth doth grow"

Without a second thought, the method brought forth,
Was digested by older duck who swam in zeal
His curious sister though, thought twice, and in short
Was confused with why the goose falsified the Real

"Mr. Goose, with your wisdom and your words, i feel a bitter loss.."
Stuttered the duckling, trembling and scared,
"Your words are a shovel to the dirt of my heart, why such a cost?
Now, understand this, i mean you well, good sir, but are you from the human fair?"

Confused, and astounded, the goose felt a fire of righteousness within
"Little duck, have you no longing of wisdom in your feathers?
Is your beak filled with jelly, slippery moss, your wing a fin?
Don't be stupid like the fish in the lake, instead arise and be better!"

Humbly, and graciously still, the duck had a Truth to tell
"Sir, i must decline what you have to offer
Though your wisdom is much, it leaves your heart a hard shell
Why not break it away and become as small as a grasshopper?"

"A grasshopper?!" cried the goose "Duckling, dear, are you mad?
Such loathsome creatures who bother me when i rest?
Who do nothing but jump around, more stupid than a cat!
Dear, i must wisely say, stand high with pride! Pucker up your chest!"

The duck quacked, "Sir! My friends are not loathsome, and no mere bother!
They wake you from your rest to play and be in wonder
And they hop because they love their Mother,
Why dilly-dad all day, when we can hop in awe in a loving shudder?"

"Oh dear duck, you have gone quite mad, you see, i worship only i
Only i: the wise
The prophet of rationality, creeds, and philosophies
And whom do you worship, some crude silly effigy?"

Taken aback, hurt by the call, the duck began to cry "Mr. Goose!
How could you talk of Her that way? My love, my Mother
My heart has been torn, with talks of such wisdom Beauty once loose,
Now caged, and hungry, longing for a Lover
Call me stupid and foolish, and call me silly
But, i love my Lover Who holds Grace
A thousand times more is Her love to me!
Mr. Goose, while you deter my love, and run tears down my face
May a Goose answer this small question from a duckling?
Are you in love with something?
For is not love such a power we cannot hold?
Such a power, that only stories are told?
For if there is neither Love nor Care,
We are just some project in a human science fair.
But Mr. Goose, if Love is real then so is She
Because what is Love, other than another impossibility?"

cliche.

For some odd reason, i'm very annoyed right now. With silly things too, that shouldn't even bother being bothered with. i know, though, that it's just because i'm sad of something that will come and it's outcome, but i want it to happen, she's been wanting this for so long.

the fan isn't on. now it is.

i need sound to fill up the hole of silence.

so much has happened within six months to my family. yet, i stay ever the numb-one, but who still can't stop talking about G-d, to where it bothers people and i can tell i maybe shouldn't hang out with them so much, for their sake and their sanity. i can't answer life's daunting questions. i don't know why i lost two siblings within a matter of months. i don't know why i'm effected by this differently than my family. i keep to myself. i wander when i want to think. i don't like confiding in family members which is sad, but i guess normal for my age and immaturity.

i've become lazy. indulging in myself, my wants, and my "needs". my crown has reached it's maximum weight limit atop my head.
i've become the definition of pride.

green trees and long distances call my name...still.

doubt and pride; the horrific duo.

see that figure there?
outside my window,
tap-tap-tapping
against the glass,
"come and play!
come and play!
to laugh, to hate
we can hop around,
snicker all day"
oh but no no!
the lumps of coal!
i try to grab, to toss at his head,
....well this time, it burnt my hand!
and i've yet to topple that mountain,
that silly small climb, oh but i "don't have the time!"

so continuing, in my loving-self-loathing stature
wanting nothing more than to quit being the actor
at the corner of my eye, a finger beckoning, laughs
shouting "you think you're for heaven!"
well i'm not, and i may not even show, but by this loving grace
living in my own heaven
how else could i live this way?
to live a life, trying for You

and kiss me goodnight, hug me, bye bye
i still feel the small want to die
remember when i thought i was done?
i was as calm as a fawn to loud gun
the chambers have some more left,
yet i'm far away to address
the number of the sparks to come
trembling to hard to shun
looking back to my past, such a blur
back in the garden when i just blamed her...

..

We received Josi's favorite things in the mail. i was really hoping there'd be something in it that i could make a necklace with. maybe a small toy. but there wasn't. her favorite clothes, her favorite teddy bear (that my mom got her, because she was scared of the dark and it lights up), and her favorite cup. my mom says it all smells like her and Guatemala. i wouldn't know, i wish i did though. but you can easily see how much she used her teddy bear, and held it.


seeing all the clothes made me think; what did the clothes see during the incident? did her teddy bear see it all happen? does he miss her? does he miss her holding him? do her clothes miss being worn to their fullest extent, keeping her warm during chilly nights?

i never met her, but she haunts my mind. i miss her, yet i never fully knew her; but i still thought of her a sister. one i could finally meet in only two-weeks time, yet the sin of Man had another plan. i wish they all went peacefully, but it shows none of them did.

struggle.


my mom isn't the same.
who would be?
she cries now.

it's usual to see tears.

i wish i could cry easily, but for some reason i can't.

whenever i hurt emotionally, i just either want to hurt myself or if i'm with people, smoke. or both.


it sickens me whenever i see people throw their life away with drugs, over-consumption of alcohol, addiction to work and Mammon, and the inability to love.

why is it that Josi died, and yet a person like me, a horrible...horrible person wrecked with sin, pride, lust, anger, envy, jealousy, and a mountain of negativity, why is it i'm still living?

it doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

and though it's a silly thing, that's why i believe in G-d.


why the fuck
am i still living?

don't even bother.

i don't understand how i am.
laziness is such a fucking crutch honestly, i think if i didn't have a computer my life would be much more interesting. i spout consistent things of spirituality, G-d, Christ, and the Spirit, along with Theology etc, yet i find myself still questioning the very existence of G-d! i don't know why this is, i honestly can't find any logic whatsoever that this world just out-of-nowhere erupted and we're magically all here for no apparent reason, i honestly just cannot accept that. Science may say this and may say that, but Science is not Truth. Science is science.
i find myself wondering "do i fully believe?".
this aches me.
but knowing even people like Mother Teresa was burdened with this gives me hope(but i am most definitely not like Mother Teresa)...

Nevertheless i trudge on, ridden with spiritual-pride to where i just want to fucking rip my hair out. the ego is such a horrible fucking beast.
one could say Ego is Satan.
but that one fellow who said that could be wrong, i don't know.

i dream of becoming a prophet, seeing and/or talking to G-d...who the fuck does that?
People who are spiritually-prideful that's who.
People like me.
i'm a horrible person burdened with lust, pride, envy, among all other sins; G-d loves me, but He/She surely doesn't want to use me to spread Love.

i talk like i know, when i truly don't know anything!
(there are so many "i"s in here it disgusts me)

and then!
for months now, since last June, i've consistently been thinking about celibacy. it's ridiculous because, i honestly argue with myself about celibacy/no celibacy. i honestly want a relationship(which this is really bothering me), but i have such stupid standards because of how i live, my idiocy, etc etc etc etc; all the while trying to fight off lust while consistently thinking of celibacy!
plus i have no job, and a confused as hell Follower of Christ.

do i sound like a fine wonderful guy for a relationship?
exactly, thus celibacy rings intrigue to me, because of how i am, but i want relationship so badly it sickens me.

i'm sorry...

8 Years of Silliness. Saying goodbye to a King who ended up a Jester.

Today (as i write), January 19th 2009, is the last day of Bush's presidency. Many Republicans, Conservatives, and Libertarians (although he wasn't as much a hero for them as Reagan) are sad today; many Democrats, Liberals, Socialists, and even Anarchists are very happy and excited about the Obama presidency (i'm not going to lie - even i am!).

Bush has gone down as "worst president in the history of the United States", and it's no wonder, nor surprise.

An economy circling the drain, wars across the Middle East, the Katrina disaster, the Gaza Strip getting blown to bits by American bombs... it's as if the list of faults never ends.

Not only have 4,229[1] US serviceman died in the Iraq war, and 640 in Afghanistan, the news also seems to forget the tremendous amount of Iraqi and Afghanistan civilians who have died since the invasions, either by the US, trigger-happy religious fanatics who twist the Islamic religion into a hateful creed, or as a result of the damages done by either/or (i. e. the destruction of water and electric systems). Sadly, there is no known death count for these poor people, according to a wonderful General who insists "we don't do body counts".

-The documented civilian death toll in Iraq is somewhere between 90,442 – 98,731[2]. Sadly, the number isn't even known for Afghanistan. Professor Marc Herold wonders, "What caused the documented high level of civilian casualties -- 3,000 - 3,400 [October 7, 2001 through March 2002] civilian deaths -- in the U.S. air war upon Afghanistan?” As he clarifies, “The explanation is the apparent willingness of U.S. military strategists to fire missiles into and drop bombs upon, heavily populated areas of Afghanistan."[3]

But!
As a fellow, i couldn't be have been happier with Bush’s presidency. Face it - he was a HORRIBLE liar, unlike most (if not all) of the former American presidents. People immediately knew something was wrong with the Iraq war, and more. Imagine if Clinton, a great liar, had been in office; we'd still be in the same darn pickle, yet most citizens would have been content. Sure, some questions would arise, but Clinton knew how to rally people, how to talk to people, as did Wilson, FDR, JFK, Washington, etc etc. Bush, on the other hand, was a Texas-born and bred man, you could tell. He didn't enjoy lying... he blinked far too much. The public knew something was going on, judging by merely his posture.

This jester of a fellow who was given the title “King of the Courts” was exactly that. This jester had the title, not the power. We know who the real King(s) of the courts were; from Cheney to the heads of the WTO, so on and so forth. You need only read the Orwell's prequel to 1984 entitled, "Project for the New American Century" where you find out wonderful plans for a teddy-bear world domination: teddy bears with guns, utter confusion, and the mindset of "protecting America by the invasion of other countries". The Project just needed someone like that teddy bear - someone lovable, silly, outgoing. By all means, they wanted a child. In comes this whipper-snapper, son of the Daddy Bush, strict and homey Conservative, who was raised within the ins-and-outs of politics, and could get away with quite a lot of things... precisely like a spoiled child.

Just about everyone knows that Cheney was the fellow behind the whole 8-year ordeal. He was just holding the piñata-Bush by the stick, and allowing the liberals to bat him over and over again. Cheney received some of the bats, but simply by the accident of him getting too close. And now after two long terms, the candy has finally fallen out of the piñata, and the liberals are ecstatic about the Obama candy! Bush's reputation as a politician has been pinned as "just as bad as Hitler" (which i personally believe is ridiculous and petty) and "the worst president in the history of the USA", which is some pretty tough stuff to live with; when the whole time, we (anarchists, socialists, radicals, etc) know Bush wasn't in control - he was the puppet, and a wonderful one for our case, because of how horrible he was as a puppet!

Because of him, i state again, the people now know the lies used for the Iraq War. Folks are even more curious if the Afghanistan War was done the right way, with the economy going ka-put, people are rethinking the infallibility of the "glorious" dog-eat-dog capitalism that Americans hold so closely to their (lack-of) hearts. Now, more and more groups are uniting against oppression by US imperialism, grass-roots movements are becoming stronger (strong enough to bring forth a President!), more than ever though, now the world truly knows the war machine that America is, was, and continues to be because of Bush and his sheer inability to lie. One might say his stupidity has made the world more knowledgeable of America's imperialism (but i don't like to call anyone stupid - yes, even him).

What i'm trying to say is this - we should be thankful for Bush, thankful for how he is/was, and thank goodness that it wasn't anyone like Clinton or Wilson in office during this time. We all know how good of a talker Clinton was! Many people have apparently forgotten or just didn't know of Clinton bombing Sudan, Yugoslavia, and civilian targets in Kosovo among others, or how Clinton was a big assistant in the creation of the North American Free Trade Agreement (which crippled Mexico's economy and therefore destroyed the lives of Mexicans - just ask the Zapatistas).

Or what about Wilson? The man was a racist who was in close with the KKK! He convinced America and Congress to participate in World War 1, where there was absolutely NO good reason to be in that war, except for a possible plan by Wilson for a World Government![4] And let's not forget how Wilson forced Germany to sign the Treaty of Versailles which sent Germany into a horrific depression, which many believe is a prominent reason behind the rising of Hitler. But Wilson had to force the Treaty on Germany (though Germany was defending an ally during the war), in order to show American dominance, like a bully who beat up a kid and decided to pull off his toes for kicks.

Why is it that they, among many other leaders, were able to get away with all of this? There really is no other explanation than they were amazing speakers.

Now comes the question, what about Obama?

Is he not a wonderful speaker? Can't he gather people to his cause with a single, well-written speech?

Now, i'm not saying he's a horrible person, nor am i saying he is a wonderful person! So far, everything he is saying sounds reasonably good and hopeful, but does that mean there is no need for us to keep an ever-watchful eye on him? Certainly not. If anything, we must keep vigilant tabs on him. He is going to screw up no matter what, and we absolutely must hold him accountable. We must be sure that we do not become apathetic, thinking "Obama is going to change everything for the good". If so, what change is there? We must make sure he doesn't get away with things like Clinton, Wilson, and so on, simply because he is a good speaker. I personally have a bit of hope in Obama, but not enough to sit back and become complacent.

Never forget that all power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Be thankful for Bush and his incapacity to lie, and be cautious in regards to how excellent Obama is at talking.

Realize that the fight against Power is far from over.
Know that Community-building is always stronger than any presidential policy.

Comrades, we are here in a new year, and an old, flawed, crooked machine based on repression still lives on, but you can hear the gears screaming for oil, smell the blood-rust from the metal; the bones are lacking protein, fuel is running out, and it's falling apart. So what should we do to this machine?

Let's wrench it to the ground.




[1] - antiwar.org
[2] - http://www.iraqbodycount.org/database/
[3] - http://cursor.org/stories/civilian_deaths.htm
[4] - http://www.threeworldwars.com/world-war-1/ww1-2.htm

Dec. 5th: Josi Azhderian 2003-2008 Rest In Peace...

my family and i have been adopting this beautiful little girl for more than the past year from Guatemala. and though i've never met her, i loved her as my little sister because she was and is, just as much as my other sisters and brothers. we were waiting for her to come home in three weeks. she was going to be the best Christmas present ever. in three weeks i was going to hold her. it was going so smoothly in the adopting, to the point where it was just unreal, as if G-d was setting things into place so easily. we just received her birth certificate, she was no longer an orphan, she was my sister, my mother's daughter, and my siblings new sister.

two nights ago though, Dec. 5th, i found out the most horrible news i have ever heard in my life. i was getting ready to eat some rice at nick's house after he just finished making himself and jehiah pasta. we were playing a show that night. i decided i need to call my mother to let her know i was spending the night at nicks that night, yes i live with my family still. i called her. it at first sounded like she wasn't there. she asked where i was,
"i'm at nicks house."
"okay"
"mom, is everything okay?"
"robby, something really bad happened"
"what?"
"josi was murdered"
"what?!"
i don't really remember anything, other than me rushing outside, dropping jehiah's cellphone, me falling into holding me knees. first came confusion. then disbelief. then realization. then the tears. it was unreal. it still is.
i wanted to destroy something. punch my fist into a wall until i couldn't feel it anymore. bash my head into concrete. jump off a cliff. anything painful. i wanted the physical pain to eliminate my emotional pain, my longing for her to be alive.
i told nick and jehiah what happened. they were in shock and disbelief as well. jehiah and nick kept telling me that if i didn't want to play the show, we didn't have to. i insisted that we play the show, for me to let out my rage. i've never felt so much anger inside me.
anger towards civilization. towards the Guatemalan government for being so ridiculous as to having such a stupid police force, and for how they treat their orphans. anger towards the person who did this for refusing to listen to his heart, refusing to listen to G-d telling him to stop. anger towards the evil one, may G-d murder and torture the one who influenced this person to do this, the one named Satan.
after talking with my amazing friends, and receiving early Xmas gifts which helped. we left for the show.

we arrived. we set up. we played. we were the second band to play.
i gave a speech about Josi, dedicating our set to her, and reminding everyone that no matter what, violence is never the answer.
the set started when i hammered my floor tom and snare into the ground with the repetitive slam 3 times, enter in nick, enter in jehiah, 4 more times, with air between each smash. the song began. my heart was beating as ferocious as ever. beating with sorrow turning into anger and back into sorrow in a circle. Rage into Love. Love into Rage. i've never played like this. i couldn't control what i was doing. i wasn't thinking. i was destroying whatever beats or notes i possibly could. i ended up bleeding, i was content with that. i wished i bled more. i wished i cried more.

My beautiful little sister Josi, whom i was never able to hold. Was three years old when she was murdered.
She is now up with Christ, dancing with the angels, she was never an orphan, she had a family, but more importantly she had G-d, the Father, the Son, and the Spirit. YHWH, Christ, and Spirit.
Josi is now gone from this dying world, living now in a world of Love.


please give your prayers to my family, to Josi's birth-mother, to Josi's now-deceased Foster Family.