doubt and pride; the horrific duo.

see that figure there?
outside my window,
tap-tap-tapping
against the glass,
"come and play!
come and play!
to laugh, to hate
we can hop around,
snicker all day"
oh but no no!
the lumps of coal!
i try to grab, to toss at his head,
....well this time, it burnt my hand!
and i've yet to topple that mountain,
that silly small climb, oh but i "don't have the time!"

so continuing, in my loving-self-loathing stature
wanting nothing more than to quit being the actor
at the corner of my eye, a finger beckoning, laughs
shouting "you think you're for heaven!"
well i'm not, and i may not even show, but by this loving grace
living in my own heaven
how else could i live this way?
to live a life, trying for You

and kiss me goodnight, hug me, bye bye
i still feel the small want to die
remember when i thought i was done?
i was as calm as a fawn to loud gun
the chambers have some more left,
yet i'm far away to address
the number of the sparks to come
trembling to hard to shun
looking back to my past, such a blur
back in the garden when i just blamed her...