i don't understand how i am.
laziness is such a fucking crutch honestly, i think if i didn't have a computer my life would be much more interesting. i spout consistent things of spirituality, G-d, Christ, and the Spirit, along with Theology etc, yet i find myself still questioning the very existence of G-d! i don't know why this is, i honestly can't find any logic whatsoever that this world just out-of-nowhere erupted and we're magically all here for no apparent reason, i honestly just cannot accept that. Science may say this and may say that, but Science is not Truth. Science is science.
i find myself wondering "do i fully believe?".
this aches me.
but knowing even people like Mother Teresa was burdened with this gives me hope(but i am most definitely not like Mother Teresa)...
Nevertheless i trudge on, ridden with spiritual-pride to where i just want to fucking rip my hair out. the ego is such a horrible fucking beast.
one could say Ego is Satan.
but that one fellow who said that could be wrong, i don't know.
i dream of becoming a prophet, seeing and/or talking to G-d...who the fuck does that?
People who are spiritually-prideful that's who.
People like me.
i'm a horrible person burdened with lust, pride, envy, among all other sins; G-d loves me, but He/She surely doesn't want to use me to spread Love.
i talk like i know, when i truly don't know anything!
(there are so many "i"s in here it disgusts me)
and then!
for months now, since last June, i've consistently been thinking about celibacy. it's ridiculous because, i honestly argue with myself about celibacy/no celibacy. i honestly want a relationship(which this is really bothering me), but i have such stupid standards because of how i live, my idiocy, etc etc etc etc; all the while trying to fight off lust while consistently thinking of celibacy!
plus i have no job, and a confused as hell Follower of Christ.
do i sound like a fine wonderful guy for a relationship?
exactly, thus celibacy rings intrigue to me, because of how i am, but i want relationship so badly it sickens me.
i'm sorry...
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
8 Years of Silliness. Saying goodbye to a King who ended up a Jester.
Today (as i write), January 19th 2009, is the last day of Bush's presidency. Many Republicans, Conservatives, and Libertarians (although he wasn't as much a hero for them as Reagan) are sad today; many Democrats, Liberals, Socialists, and even Anarchists are very happy and excited about the Obama presidency (i'm not going to lie - even i am!).
Bush has gone down as "worst president in the history of the United States", and it's no wonder, nor surprise.
An economy circling the drain, wars across the Middle East, the Katrina disaster, the Gaza Strip getting blown to bits by American bombs... it's as if the list of faults never ends.
Not only have 4,229[1] US serviceman died in the Iraq war, and 640 in Afghanistan, the news also seems to forget the tremendous amount of Iraqi and Afghanistan civilians who have died since the invasions, either by the US, trigger-happy religious fanatics who twist the Islamic religion into a hateful creed, or as a result of the damages done by either/or (i. e. the destruction of water and electric systems). Sadly, there is no known death count for these poor people, according to a wonderful General who insists "we don't do body counts".
-The documented civilian death toll in Iraq is somewhere between 90,442 – 98,731[2]. Sadly, the number isn't even known for Afghanistan. Professor Marc Herold wonders, "What caused the documented high level of civilian casualties -- 3,000 - 3,400 [October 7, 2001 through March 2002] civilian deaths -- in the U.S. air war upon Afghanistan?” As he clarifies, “The explanation is the apparent willingness of U.S. military strategists to fire missiles into and drop bombs upon, heavily populated areas of Afghanistan."[3]
But!
As a fellow, i couldn't be have been happier with Bush’s presidency. Face it - he was a HORRIBLE liar, unlike most (if not all) of the former American presidents. People immediately knew something was wrong with the Iraq war, and more. Imagine if Clinton, a great liar, had been in office; we'd still be in the same darn pickle, yet most citizens would have been content. Sure, some questions would arise, but Clinton knew how to rally people, how to talk to people, as did Wilson, FDR, JFK, Washington, etc etc. Bush, on the other hand, was a Texas-born and bred man, you could tell. He didn't enjoy lying... he blinked far too much. The public knew something was going on, judging by merely his posture.
This jester of a fellow who was given the title “King of the Courts” was exactly that. This jester had the title, not the power. We know who the real King(s) of the courts were; from Cheney to the heads of the WTO, so on and so forth. You need only read the Orwell's prequel to 1984 entitled, "Project for the New American Century" where you find out wonderful plans for a teddy-bear world domination: teddy bears with guns, utter confusion, and the mindset of "protecting America by the invasion of other countries". The Project just needed someone like that teddy bear - someone lovable, silly, outgoing. By all means, they wanted a child. In comes this whipper-snapper, son of the Daddy Bush, strict and homey Conservative, who was raised within the ins-and-outs of politics, and could get away with quite a lot of things... precisely like a spoiled child.
Just about everyone knows that Cheney was the fellow behind the whole 8-year ordeal. He was just holding the piñata-Bush by the stick, and allowing the liberals to bat him over and over again. Cheney received some of the bats, but simply by the accident of him getting too close. And now after two long terms, the candy has finally fallen out of the piñata, and the liberals are ecstatic about the Obama candy! Bush's reputation as a politician has been pinned as "just as bad as Hitler" (which i personally believe is ridiculous and petty) and "the worst president in the history of the USA", which is some pretty tough stuff to live with; when the whole time, we (anarchists, socialists, radicals, etc) know Bush wasn't in control - he was the puppet, and a wonderful one for our case, because of how horrible he was as a puppet!
Because of him, i state again, the people now know the lies used for the Iraq War. Folks are even more curious if the Afghanistan War was done the right way, with the economy going ka-put, people are rethinking the infallibility of the "glorious" dog-eat-dog capitalism that Americans hold so closely to their (lack-of) hearts. Now, more and more groups are uniting against oppression by US imperialism, grass-roots movements are becoming stronger (strong enough to bring forth a President!), more than ever though, now the world truly knows the war machine that America is, was, and continues to be because of Bush and his sheer inability to lie. One might say his stupidity has made the world more knowledgeable of America's imperialism (but i don't like to call anyone stupid - yes, even him).
What i'm trying to say is this - we should be thankful for Bush, thankful for how he is/was, and thank goodness that it wasn't anyone like Clinton or Wilson in office during this time. We all know how good of a talker Clinton was! Many people have apparently forgotten or just didn't know of Clinton bombing Sudan, Yugoslavia, and civilian targets in Kosovo among others, or how Clinton was a big assistant in the creation of the North American Free Trade Agreement (which crippled Mexico's economy and therefore destroyed the lives of Mexicans - just ask the Zapatistas).
Or what about Wilson? The man was a racist who was in close with the KKK! He convinced America and Congress to participate in World War 1, where there was absolutely NO good reason to be in that war, except for a possible plan by Wilson for a World Government![4] And let's not forget how Wilson forced Germany to sign the Treaty of Versailles which sent Germany into a horrific depression, which many believe is a prominent reason behind the rising of Hitler. But Wilson had to force the Treaty on Germany (though Germany was defending an ally during the war), in order to show American dominance, like a bully who beat up a kid and decided to pull off his toes for kicks.
Why is it that they, among many other leaders, were able to get away with all of this? There really is no other explanation than they were amazing speakers.
Now comes the question, what about Obama?
Is he not a wonderful speaker? Can't he gather people to his cause with a single, well-written speech?
Now, i'm not saying he's a horrible person, nor am i saying he is a wonderful person! So far, everything he is saying sounds reasonably good and hopeful, but does that mean there is no need for us to keep an ever-watchful eye on him? Certainly not. If anything, we must keep vigilant tabs on him. He is going to screw up no matter what, and we absolutely must hold him accountable. We must be sure that we do not become apathetic, thinking "Obama is going to change everything for the good". If so, what change is there? We must make sure he doesn't get away with things like Clinton, Wilson, and so on, simply because he is a good speaker. I personally have a bit of hope in Obama, but not enough to sit back and become complacent.
Never forget that all power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Be thankful for Bush and his incapacity to lie, and be cautious in regards to how excellent Obama is at talking.
Realize that the fight against Power is far from over.
Know that Community-building is always stronger than any presidential policy.
Comrades, we are here in a new year, and an old, flawed, crooked machine based on repression still lives on, but you can hear the gears screaming for oil, smell the blood-rust from the metal; the bones are lacking protein, fuel is running out, and it's falling apart. So what should we do to this machine?
Let's wrench it to the ground.
[1] - antiwar.org
[2] - http://www.iraqbodycount.org/database/
[3] - http://cursor.org/stories/civilian_deaths.htm
[4] - http://www.threeworldwars.com/world-war-1/ww1-2.htm
Bush has gone down as "worst president in the history of the United States", and it's no wonder, nor surprise.
An economy circling the drain, wars across the Middle East, the Katrina disaster, the Gaza Strip getting blown to bits by American bombs... it's as if the list of faults never ends.
Not only have 4,229[1] US serviceman died in the Iraq war, and 640 in Afghanistan, the news also seems to forget the tremendous amount of Iraqi and Afghanistan civilians who have died since the invasions, either by the US, trigger-happy religious fanatics who twist the Islamic religion into a hateful creed, or as a result of the damages done by either/or (i. e. the destruction of water and electric systems). Sadly, there is no known death count for these poor people, according to a wonderful General who insists "we don't do body counts".
-The documented civilian death toll in Iraq is somewhere between 90,442 – 98,731[2]. Sadly, the number isn't even known for Afghanistan. Professor Marc Herold wonders, "What caused the documented high level of civilian casualties -- 3,000 - 3,400 [October 7, 2001 through March 2002] civilian deaths -- in the U.S. air war upon Afghanistan?” As he clarifies, “The explanation is the apparent willingness of U.S. military strategists to fire missiles into and drop bombs upon, heavily populated areas of Afghanistan."[3]
But!
As a fellow, i couldn't be have been happier with Bush’s presidency. Face it - he was a HORRIBLE liar, unlike most (if not all) of the former American presidents. People immediately knew something was wrong with the Iraq war, and more. Imagine if Clinton, a great liar, had been in office; we'd still be in the same darn pickle, yet most citizens would have been content. Sure, some questions would arise, but Clinton knew how to rally people, how to talk to people, as did Wilson, FDR, JFK, Washington, etc etc. Bush, on the other hand, was a Texas-born and bred man, you could tell. He didn't enjoy lying... he blinked far too much. The public knew something was going on, judging by merely his posture.
This jester of a fellow who was given the title “King of the Courts” was exactly that. This jester had the title, not the power. We know who the real King(s) of the courts were; from Cheney to the heads of the WTO, so on and so forth. You need only read the Orwell's prequel to 1984 entitled, "Project for the New American Century" where you find out wonderful plans for a teddy-bear world domination: teddy bears with guns, utter confusion, and the mindset of "protecting America by the invasion of other countries". The Project just needed someone like that teddy bear - someone lovable, silly, outgoing. By all means, they wanted a child. In comes this whipper-snapper, son of the Daddy Bush, strict and homey Conservative, who was raised within the ins-and-outs of politics, and could get away with quite a lot of things... precisely like a spoiled child.
Just about everyone knows that Cheney was the fellow behind the whole 8-year ordeal. He was just holding the piñata-Bush by the stick, and allowing the liberals to bat him over and over again. Cheney received some of the bats, but simply by the accident of him getting too close. And now after two long terms, the candy has finally fallen out of the piñata, and the liberals are ecstatic about the Obama candy! Bush's reputation as a politician has been pinned as "just as bad as Hitler" (which i personally believe is ridiculous and petty) and "the worst president in the history of the USA", which is some pretty tough stuff to live with; when the whole time, we (anarchists, socialists, radicals, etc) know Bush wasn't in control - he was the puppet, and a wonderful one for our case, because of how horrible he was as a puppet!
Because of him, i state again, the people now know the lies used for the Iraq War. Folks are even more curious if the Afghanistan War was done the right way, with the economy going ka-put, people are rethinking the infallibility of the "glorious" dog-eat-dog capitalism that Americans hold so closely to their (lack-of) hearts. Now, more and more groups are uniting against oppression by US imperialism, grass-roots movements are becoming stronger (strong enough to bring forth a President!), more than ever though, now the world truly knows the war machine that America is, was, and continues to be because of Bush and his sheer inability to lie. One might say his stupidity has made the world more knowledgeable of America's imperialism (but i don't like to call anyone stupid - yes, even him).
What i'm trying to say is this - we should be thankful for Bush, thankful for how he is/was, and thank goodness that it wasn't anyone like Clinton or Wilson in office during this time. We all know how good of a talker Clinton was! Many people have apparently forgotten or just didn't know of Clinton bombing Sudan, Yugoslavia, and civilian targets in Kosovo among others, or how Clinton was a big assistant in the creation of the North American Free Trade Agreement (which crippled Mexico's economy and therefore destroyed the lives of Mexicans - just ask the Zapatistas).
Or what about Wilson? The man was a racist who was in close with the KKK! He convinced America and Congress to participate in World War 1, where there was absolutely NO good reason to be in that war, except for a possible plan by Wilson for a World Government![4] And let's not forget how Wilson forced Germany to sign the Treaty of Versailles which sent Germany into a horrific depression, which many believe is a prominent reason behind the rising of Hitler. But Wilson had to force the Treaty on Germany (though Germany was defending an ally during the war), in order to show American dominance, like a bully who beat up a kid and decided to pull off his toes for kicks.
Why is it that they, among many other leaders, were able to get away with all of this? There really is no other explanation than they were amazing speakers.
Now comes the question, what about Obama?
Is he not a wonderful speaker? Can't he gather people to his cause with a single, well-written speech?
Now, i'm not saying he's a horrible person, nor am i saying he is a wonderful person! So far, everything he is saying sounds reasonably good and hopeful, but does that mean there is no need for us to keep an ever-watchful eye on him? Certainly not. If anything, we must keep vigilant tabs on him. He is going to screw up no matter what, and we absolutely must hold him accountable. We must be sure that we do not become apathetic, thinking "Obama is going to change everything for the good". If so, what change is there? We must make sure he doesn't get away with things like Clinton, Wilson, and so on, simply because he is a good speaker. I personally have a bit of hope in Obama, but not enough to sit back and become complacent.
Never forget that all power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Be thankful for Bush and his incapacity to lie, and be cautious in regards to how excellent Obama is at talking.
Realize that the fight against Power is far from over.
Know that Community-building is always stronger than any presidential policy.
Comrades, we are here in a new year, and an old, flawed, crooked machine based on repression still lives on, but you can hear the gears screaming for oil, smell the blood-rust from the metal; the bones are lacking protein, fuel is running out, and it's falling apart. So what should we do to this machine?
Let's wrench it to the ground.
[1] - antiwar.org
[2] - http://www.iraqbodycount.org/database/
[3] - http://cursor.org/stories/civilian_deaths.htm
[4] - http://www.threeworldwars.com/world-war-1/ww1-2.htm
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Dec. 5th: Josi Azhderian 2003-2008 Rest In Peace...
my family and i have been adopting this beautiful little girl for more than the past year from Guatemala. and though i've never met her, i loved her as my little sister because she was and is, just as much as my other sisters and brothers. we were waiting for her to come home in three weeks. she was going to be the best Christmas present ever. in three weeks i was going to hold her. it was going so smoothly in the adopting, to the point where it was just unreal, as if G-d was setting things into place so easily. we just received her birth certificate, she was no longer an orphan, she was my sister, my mother's daughter, and my siblings new sister.
two nights ago though, Dec. 5th, i found out the most horrible news i have ever heard in my life. i was getting ready to eat some rice at nick's house after he just finished making himself and jehiah pasta. we were playing a show that night. i decided i need to call my mother to let her know i was spending the night at nicks that night, yes i live with my family still. i called her. it at first sounded like she wasn't there. she asked where i was,
"i'm at nicks house."
"okay"
"mom, is everything okay?"
"robby, something really bad happened"
"what?"
"josi was murdered"
"what?!"
i don't really remember anything, other than me rushing outside, dropping jehiah's cellphone, me falling into holding me knees. first came confusion. then disbelief. then realization. then the tears. it was unreal. it still is.
i wanted to destroy something. punch my fist into a wall until i couldn't feel it anymore. bash my head into concrete. jump off a cliff. anything painful. i wanted the physical pain to eliminate my emotional pain, my longing for her to be alive.
i told nick and jehiah what happened. they were in shock and disbelief as well. jehiah and nick kept telling me that if i didn't want to play the show, we didn't have to. i insisted that we play the show, for me to let out my rage. i've never felt so much anger inside me.
anger towards civilization. towards the Guatemalan government for being so ridiculous as to having such a stupid police force, and for how they treat their orphans. anger towards the person who did this for refusing to listen to his heart, refusing to listen to G-d telling him to stop. anger towards the evil one, may G-d murder and torture the one who influenced this person to do this, the one named Satan.
after talking with my amazing friends, and receiving early Xmas gifts which helped. we left for the show.
we arrived. we set up. we played. we were the second band to play.
i gave a speech about Josi, dedicating our set to her, and reminding everyone that no matter what, violence is never the answer.
the set started when i hammered my floor tom and snare into the ground with the repetitive slam 3 times, enter in nick, enter in jehiah, 4 more times, with air between each smash. the song began. my heart was beating as ferocious as ever. beating with sorrow turning into anger and back into sorrow in a circle. Rage into Love. Love into Rage. i've never played like this. i couldn't control what i was doing. i wasn't thinking. i was destroying whatever beats or notes i possibly could. i ended up bleeding, i was content with that. i wished i bled more. i wished i cried more.
My beautiful little sister Josi, whom i was never able to hold. Was three years old when she was murdered.
She is now up with Christ, dancing with the angels, she was never an orphan, she had a family, but more importantly she had G-d, the Father, the Son, and the Spirit. YHWH, Christ, and Spirit.
Josi is now gone from this dying world, living now in a world of Love.
please give your prayers to my family, to Josi's birth-mother, to Josi's now-deceased Foster Family.
two nights ago though, Dec. 5th, i found out the most horrible news i have ever heard in my life. i was getting ready to eat some rice at nick's house after he just finished making himself and jehiah pasta. we were playing a show that night. i decided i need to call my mother to let her know i was spending the night at nicks that night, yes i live with my family still. i called her. it at first sounded like she wasn't there. she asked where i was,
"i'm at nicks house."
"okay"
"mom, is everything okay?"
"robby, something really bad happened"
"what?"
"josi was murdered"
"what?!"
i don't really remember anything, other than me rushing outside, dropping jehiah's cellphone, me falling into holding me knees. first came confusion. then disbelief. then realization. then the tears. it was unreal. it still is.
i wanted to destroy something. punch my fist into a wall until i couldn't feel it anymore. bash my head into concrete. jump off a cliff. anything painful. i wanted the physical pain to eliminate my emotional pain, my longing for her to be alive.
i told nick and jehiah what happened. they were in shock and disbelief as well. jehiah and nick kept telling me that if i didn't want to play the show, we didn't have to. i insisted that we play the show, for me to let out my rage. i've never felt so much anger inside me.
anger towards civilization. towards the Guatemalan government for being so ridiculous as to having such a stupid police force, and for how they treat their orphans. anger towards the person who did this for refusing to listen to his heart, refusing to listen to G-d telling him to stop. anger towards the evil one, may G-d murder and torture the one who influenced this person to do this, the one named Satan.
after talking with my amazing friends, and receiving early Xmas gifts which helped. we left for the show.
we arrived. we set up. we played. we were the second band to play.
i gave a speech about Josi, dedicating our set to her, and reminding everyone that no matter what, violence is never the answer.
the set started when i hammered my floor tom and snare into the ground with the repetitive slam 3 times, enter in nick, enter in jehiah, 4 more times, with air between each smash. the song began. my heart was beating as ferocious as ever. beating with sorrow turning into anger and back into sorrow in a circle. Rage into Love. Love into Rage. i've never played like this. i couldn't control what i was doing. i wasn't thinking. i was destroying whatever beats or notes i possibly could. i ended up bleeding, i was content with that. i wished i bled more. i wished i cried more.
My beautiful little sister Josi, whom i was never able to hold. Was three years old when she was murdered.
She is now up with Christ, dancing with the angels, she was never an orphan, she had a family, but more importantly she had G-d, the Father, the Son, and the Spirit. YHWH, Christ, and Spirit.
Josi is now gone from this dying world, living now in a world of Love.
please give your prayers to my family, to Josi's birth-mother, to Josi's now-deceased Foster Family.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving.
I was just lectured on about how America was founded as a Christian Nation, with Christian Principles, for the People, by the People. How America was founded on Free Speech and Freedom of Religion.
I've honestly never had so many thoughts through my head about politics and history in random ten-minute hoot of words.
I stood, more-so leaning on a counter, sipping my coffee while this man talked. I could tell he was a good man, with a good heart. He was from Africa. He had quite a lot to say about America, good things, and a lot to say about other countries of the world, bad things. He also talked about 'racist' against Caucasians America is. He talked about certain horrible leaders of certain horrible nations. He talked of how wonderful the American economy is and that the reason why so many nations hate America is because of Jealousy.
They kept trying to drag me in, saying things that they know arouses my thought, makes my blood-boil, and if i think about it long enough it has potential to bring tears to my eyes. My mother obviously knows my political stand-point on subjects, and that if i even mention at all about what i believe in I'd be laughed and ridiculed in a second, so she is silent as well.
The man continued to talk.
Telling me, it's good i have a point of view, but i need to think outside the box and realize that America is the best and the most generously giving country out of the whole world, and all other countries hate us because of that, including the place he was born in.
I stood there, quiet.
I can hear them now...laughing in the back.
I've honestly never had so many thoughts through my head about politics and history in random ten-minute hoot of words.
I stood, more-so leaning on a counter, sipping my coffee while this man talked. I could tell he was a good man, with a good heart. He was from Africa. He had quite a lot to say about America, good things, and a lot to say about other countries of the world, bad things. He also talked about 'racist' against Caucasians America is. He talked about certain horrible leaders of certain horrible nations. He talked of how wonderful the American economy is and that the reason why so many nations hate America is because of Jealousy.
They kept trying to drag me in, saying things that they know arouses my thought, makes my blood-boil, and if i think about it long enough it has potential to bring tears to my eyes. My mother obviously knows my political stand-point on subjects, and that if i even mention at all about what i believe in I'd be laughed and ridiculed in a second, so she is silent as well.
The man continued to talk.
Telling me, it's good i have a point of view, but i need to think outside the box and realize that America is the best and the most generously giving country out of the whole world, and all other countries hate us because of that, including the place he was born in.
I stood there, quiet.
I can hear them now...laughing in the back.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
-With a confused look at the moth-
hello there Cedar-Ant blog-thingy, i haven't posted on here in awhile.
I'm honestly curious if anyone reads this or not?
But then at the same time, I sort of don't care, because this sort of place has become a nice little 'rant' section in my life where no one can demand of me to shut-up. its sad, isn't it? how the public of the world has reduced to such fear of each other's neighbor, the fear of having true honesty of how one feels towards politics, the world, love, society, religion, so on and so forth to where we go on blogging about. sort of hoping people will read, and understand, and at the same time for certain posts, hoping they don't understand. in the end we just want to be heard, we just want to be loved. it seems like that is the only purpose to being here: to be loved.
i've been having quite a whirlwind of emotions lately, oh lust and the desire of love is such a curse isn't it? i've ended up a Joseph with the intention of succeeding as he did, but i failed, unlike he who just got his tunic torn, i received that tear and worse, when i knew beforehand that would happen as well! hope can be a beautiful angel at times, when the hope is for love and life, yet it can also be a ferocious demon promising love with you getting fooled and falling into a hole. The hope this time, was one of lust, i admit, and like most adventures with lust you end up bruised with the feeling of being taken advantage of. confused with the intense feeling of loneliness i slowly stopped the infatuation of her, though it rises from time to time, i can ease it off allow myself to know "this is only an emotion, it will pass".
which helps, though now, again, im stuck in such a silly debate with myself continually, and for how young and immature i am, all about the pros and cons of celibacy and relationship. And this happens all the while i am having infatuation with certain womyn, womyn which i know would never be interested in me. I'm not artsy, i'm not intelligent, i like walking everywhere, i'm not really crazy about getting my license(19yrs old, sad huh?), i'm usually confused, i stare at the ground a lot, i have a beard, talking about politics infuriates me, and talking about G-d makes me happy and i feel movement, and i like to write stuff in my notebook a lot which i don't want anyone looking at. <- who wants that? and at the same time, feeling extreme wanderlust. i really REALLY want to be back on a Greyhound bus going somewhere I've never been before, meeting folks i've never met before, and seeing and trusting G-d in ways that i never thought possible. i really miss being overjoyed at the sight of a quarter. nowadays i spend my time reading, drinking coffee, being on the damn internet, and jobhunting. i feel horrid. i miss the Mystery of whether or not you'll eat. i feel as if i've become such a different person than how i was when i stepped off that bus back into a place where i grew up, though i received it as a new and unknown territory. i was truly happy with that Mystery combined with a carefree attitude and with ultimate trust in the Provider. i haven't written a poem in awhile...which worries me. steal me.
"Come quick, you Light that knows no evening"
I'm honestly curious if anyone reads this or not?
But then at the same time, I sort of don't care, because this sort of place has become a nice little 'rant' section in my life where no one can demand of me to shut-up. its sad, isn't it? how the public of the world has reduced to such fear of each other's neighbor, the fear of having true honesty of how one feels towards politics, the world, love, society, religion, so on and so forth to where we go on blogging about. sort of hoping people will read, and understand, and at the same time for certain posts, hoping they don't understand. in the end we just want to be heard, we just want to be loved. it seems like that is the only purpose to being here: to be loved.
i've been having quite a whirlwind of emotions lately, oh lust and the desire of love is such a curse isn't it? i've ended up a Joseph with the intention of succeeding as he did, but i failed, unlike he who just got his tunic torn, i received that tear and worse, when i knew beforehand that would happen as well! hope can be a beautiful angel at times, when the hope is for love and life, yet it can also be a ferocious demon promising love with you getting fooled and falling into a hole. The hope this time, was one of lust, i admit, and like most adventures with lust you end up bruised with the feeling of being taken advantage of. confused with the intense feeling of loneliness i slowly stopped the infatuation of her, though it rises from time to time, i can ease it off allow myself to know "this is only an emotion, it will pass".
which helps, though now, again, im stuck in such a silly debate with myself continually, and for how young and immature i am, all about the pros and cons of celibacy and relationship. And this happens all the while i am having infatuation with certain womyn, womyn which i know would never be interested in me. I'm not artsy, i'm not intelligent, i like walking everywhere, i'm not really crazy about getting my license(19yrs old, sad huh?), i'm usually confused, i stare at the ground a lot, i have a beard, talking about politics infuriates me, and talking about G-d makes me happy and i feel movement, and i like to write stuff in my notebook a lot which i don't want anyone looking at. <- who wants that? and at the same time, feeling extreme wanderlust. i really REALLY want to be back on a Greyhound bus going somewhere I've never been before, meeting folks i've never met before, and seeing and trusting G-d in ways that i never thought possible. i really miss being overjoyed at the sight of a quarter. nowadays i spend my time reading, drinking coffee, being on the damn internet, and jobhunting. i feel horrid. i miss the Mystery of whether or not you'll eat. i feel as if i've become such a different person than how i was when i stepped off that bus back into a place where i grew up, though i received it as a new and unknown territory. i was truly happy with that Mystery combined with a carefree attitude and with ultimate trust in the Provider. i haven't written a poem in awhile...which worries me. steal me.
"Come quick, you Light that knows no evening"
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
This title is called: Are you Kidding ME?!
A couple days ago I saw this in the L.A. Times::
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-usafghan10-2008oct10,1,3401113.story
Apparently the US is now going to start training Afghan militias to bring order to the crippled country (well who on Earth caused this crippling?). Because when I think "order" I immediately think "militias", not government (congratulations an Anarchist just stated that there is more order in government than militia control, minus 5000 Anarchy points), not democracy.
And take a look at this!
not only did I GOL out loud, but I actually LOLed out loud (am i hip yet internet?):
"Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid leads the way in Afghanistan. Defense chief Robert Gates said the U.S. would consider reconciling with the group as part of an exit strategy."
Okay, okay, maybe I'm overreacting a bit, I just thought that it was the Taliban we were fighting, because it was them who bombed the towers right? And I thought we were liberating Afghan from the Taliban insurgents that put womyn through horrible laws, not allowing them to talk, show their face, etc etc, and that the Taliban were those radical Islamic folk that hated everyone except Allah? So, i mean there's nothing wrong with working with people that some folks considered as worse as the Nazis...right?
Just know, in 30 years from now, if something else gets blown up by folks from Afghanistan or somewhere else in the Middle East that were trained to "defeat terrorism" or "communism" or whatever the hell the scare is now, you'll know why.
Remember when those commie-tree hugging-pinkos brought up the idea some years ago that maybe we should try diplomacy and talking with the Taliban and Saddam? And our glorious leader stated, without a pause, "i don't talk to terrorists". But now we know, he'd rather work with them, than talk with them, what a humble fellow...(I wonder if they converse using sign language? Well no, because i guess sign language is still a form of talk).
So dear dead souls of Afghanistan, I wish to apologize. While I didn't give the command, I stood idly by, confused, not acting out of love. I didn't act. I was too young to know that those bright light images shown on the television were bombs that were tearing apart your houses, bombs that killed your friends, your loves, your lives. The bombs were dropped for the sake of revenge without intellect, revenge without a heart, I now know, revenge is a curse. Never a blessing. Revenge hurts. Forgiveness heals. I know it will be a long time until you will be able to rest peacefully in the arms of G-d or Allah, whatever Loves name be, just know I'm so so sorry. Words cannot express how I feel I should have died, not you. Not your children, not your parents, not your wife, not your husband. The air strikes may have killed you physically, but your life, and your poetry continue.
Your tears break dams around the West's heart.
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-usafghan10-2008oct10,1,3401113.story
Apparently the US is now going to start training Afghan militias to bring order to the crippled country (well who on Earth caused this crippling?). Because when I think "order" I immediately think "militias", not government (congratulations an Anarchist just stated that there is more order in government than militia control, minus 5000 Anarchy points), not democracy.
And take a look at this!
not only did I GOL out loud, but I actually LOLed out loud (am i hip yet internet?):
"Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid leads the way in Afghanistan. Defense chief Robert Gates said the U.S. would consider reconciling with the group as part of an exit strategy."
Okay, okay, maybe I'm overreacting a bit, I just thought that it was the Taliban we were fighting, because it was them who bombed the towers right? And I thought we were liberating Afghan from the Taliban insurgents that put womyn through horrible laws, not allowing them to talk, show their face, etc etc, and that the Taliban were those radical Islamic folk that hated everyone except Allah? So, i mean there's nothing wrong with working with people that some folks considered as worse as the Nazis...right?
Just know, in 30 years from now, if something else gets blown up by folks from Afghanistan or somewhere else in the Middle East that were trained to "defeat terrorism" or "communism" or whatever the hell the scare is now, you'll know why.
Remember when those commie-tree hugging-pinkos brought up the idea some years ago that maybe we should try diplomacy and talking with the Taliban and Saddam? And our glorious leader stated, without a pause, "i don't talk to terrorists". But now we know, he'd rather work with them, than talk with them, what a humble fellow...(I wonder if they converse using sign language? Well no, because i guess sign language is still a form of talk).
So dear dead souls of Afghanistan, I wish to apologize. While I didn't give the command, I stood idly by, confused, not acting out of love. I didn't act. I was too young to know that those bright light images shown on the television were bombs that were tearing apart your houses, bombs that killed your friends, your loves, your lives. The bombs were dropped for the sake of revenge without intellect, revenge without a heart, I now know, revenge is a curse. Never a blessing. Revenge hurts. Forgiveness heals. I know it will be a long time until you will be able to rest peacefully in the arms of G-d or Allah, whatever Loves name be, just know I'm so so sorry. Words cannot express how I feel I should have died, not you. Not your children, not your parents, not your wife, not your husband. The air strikes may have killed you physically, but your life, and your poetry continue.
Your tears break dams around the West's heart.
Monday, October 13, 2008
If Aristophanes Could Kill...
"It could be dangerous Art as a real threat" - Refused 'Protest Song '68'
"Art is Individualism, and Individualism is a disturbing and disintegrating force. Therein lies its immense value. For what it seeks to disturb is monotony of type, slavery of custom, tyranny of habit, and the reduction of man to the level of machine" - 'Soul Of A Man Under Socialism' Oscar Wilde.
Imagine a world, with authority on its knees, pleading for survival. Not those in control, but control itself, not those who feed the machines, like you and like me, but the machines themselves. Our war is against Power. The Power that denies a soul to humanity. The Power that enslaves the oppressed to "lack of" and the oppressors to an "addiction of". The Power that continues its war against its ultimate enemies; Thought and Art.
Through Art we find the world. We find the downtrodden, the poor, the weak, the hungry, the screamer, and the fields. We find the factories, the banks, the wealth. Through Art we find the aesthetics of life, along the confusion, hurt, and surprises.
In Art, i mean, sincerely, Thought put into action. Either by pencil, song, film, brush, spoken-word, stencils, those cans that go 'ding-ding' when shaken, and with every motion of life, every thought, every action, every word, we create our own poetry.
With Art we have the ability to destroy the world, in order to create it yet again, though this time the light at the end of the tunnel will become our sun, our light, our guide towards progress; no longer will the light be a "hope" for "change" as some politicians with excellent status and a knack for manipulation say.
We will never reach Utopia, Progress is Utopia!
Real Progress, not some farce saying by some rich fellow willing to sell you chains and proclaim them "ballot!".
Art breeds Progress.
Through the thought-provoking images of Van Gogh, the politico-satirical comedies of Aristophanes, the stories, plays, and essays by Wilde, the Cabaret musicians that laughed at hierarchy and jabbed at the heart of Mammon, the Jesters that were martyred for the sake of comedic-truth by using jest to tear down the gold in the crown to show the dried blood forming around the rubies, the brave women that didn't care about the laws and continued to draw, to paint, to breathe, to live.
Through Art we were able to understand the Nihilists in Russia, the pathetic apathy of the rich, the absurdity of war, the beauty of nature undisturbed by Man and concrete, the longing for freedom and autonomy, the stupidity of power and capitalism alike.
Now, today, where is that Art? All Art is being choked to death by scenes and clubs creating rules, regulations, when all Art is is individualistic means to express, to ask, and to change.
Art is supposed to break the chains, not adhere to them.
Politicians are not the leaders of the world, those continually engaged in absolute Art are the leaders.
Artists like Mother Teresa, Gandhi, George Orwell, Marcos, Aldous Huxley, Arundhati Roy, Oscar Wilde, Joe Strummer, Cesar Chavez, Ammon Hennacy, Peter Kropotkin, Dorothy Day, Emma Goldman, and millions more, today, yesterday, tomorrow. The Knowns and the Unknowns.
You don't have to know how to sing or draw or write or paint to be an artist.
Putting Thought into Action is Art.
Embrace Art, and unleash it upon those in Power, upon those in fear, upon those you love, upon the haves and have-nots, upon the world.
The World is a canvas, your thoughts are the paint, and your actions are the brush.
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