..

We received Josi's favorite things in the mail. i was really hoping there'd be something in it that i could make a necklace with. maybe a small toy. but there wasn't. her favorite clothes, her favorite teddy bear (that my mom got her, because she was scared of the dark and it lights up), and her favorite cup. my mom says it all smells like her and Guatemala. i wouldn't know, i wish i did though. but you can easily see how much she used her teddy bear, and held it.


seeing all the clothes made me think; what did the clothes see during the incident? did her teddy bear see it all happen? does he miss her? does he miss her holding him? do her clothes miss being worn to their fullest extent, keeping her warm during chilly nights?

i never met her, but she haunts my mind. i miss her, yet i never fully knew her; but i still thought of her a sister. one i could finally meet in only two-weeks time, yet the sin of Man had another plan. i wish they all went peacefully, but it shows none of them did.

struggle.


my mom isn't the same.
who would be?
she cries now.

it's usual to see tears.

i wish i could cry easily, but for some reason i can't.

whenever i hurt emotionally, i just either want to hurt myself or if i'm with people, smoke. or both.


it sickens me whenever i see people throw their life away with drugs, over-consumption of alcohol, addiction to work and Mammon, and the inability to love.

why is it that Josi died, and yet a person like me, a horrible...horrible person wrecked with sin, pride, lust, anger, envy, jealousy, and a mountain of negativity, why is it i'm still living?

it doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

and though it's a silly thing, that's why i believe in G-d.


why the fuck
am i still living?